We really do have it pretty great! I am so thankful for all of my wonderful blessings and feel like I have after many years found that "thing" I have been searching for.
For years...hate to admit this but really for decades, I have felt like I have a story to tell. I really don't know what it is, but I feel compelled to write. I suppose my first entry should provide you with "the Backstory". We all have one... I had a happy childhood, wonderful and supportive parents, great education...the works. I also have a family history of depression. And as they say, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree! From time to time, I talked with psychologists or youth group ministers, but I never really had a time where I just couldn't get out of my funk. I wasn't a "troubled child". I didn't wear all black. I didn't keep to myself. In fact, I was the opposite...a social butterfly. I was involved in activities, captain of the soccer team, the lead in the school play. All through school I was very involved. I was pretty involved in life until February of 2001. My wonderful and sweet husband (boyfriend at the time) and I had dated for 3 years from summer of 1997 to fall of 2000 when I flipped out and dumped him...not sure why. I had some ok reasons to be mad at him, but not much else...(Hindsight, it was for the best- we are married now!) After our split, I tried my hardest to make the absolute worst decisions I could as if my life depended on it. Luckily, my parents raised me the way they did because my heart wasn't in it!! I tried, but within a few months I was sitting across from- whom my dad refers to as my "Friend On Payroll" (FOP) - my real deal psychiatrist. I was a 5'9", 100 lb, blubbering mess. I didn't even have it in me to rebel.
That day, my FOP listened to me through sobs and snorts...she didn't talk much. Really, she didn't talk at all until the very end. She told me something I'm sure I already knew. She told me I was dealing with depression. So there it was...but instead of a remedy or some fast and furious cure, all I got was a diagnosis. NO QUICK FIX. What? I can't leave with a prescription and a sigh of relief? That was a hard day. I had a bunch of those during that time. I remember wishing I had never gone to my FOP. I remember thinking that things weren't so bad before...before I didn't think about the hard stuff. I didn't have to talk about it...but I did have to live it whether I wanted to or not. At some point I realized that it would take some time...I remember thinking, "well, I guess it took me 26 years to get this way..."
I have one older sister and she has always been there for me! After a rough patch or two, we have gotten to be very close. We actually like spending time together! She knows me inside and out. After a typical childhood and adolescence, I guess it was in college and after that I really began to struggle. She was my go-to girl...no matter what, I could call Jules. She must have had a play book of pep talks for me that covered everything from the run of the mill blue day to my chicken little day "the sky is falling". She almost always could make my blues go away...almost always. I remember shortly before what I call my "break down", Jules told me to get some "trash mags" (tabloids) and take a bath. "Relax", she said. But how? "Happiness is a journey, Sarah. Not a destination." Ugh! I just didn't know how to make the trip! And so my story began...while I am just now getting this down, I think I have for years been asking "Are We There Yet?"
I'm hopeful that I am NOT there yet! Finally, I am at a place in life where I can appreciate all that has been and all that is to come! I'm certain it will come out at some point that I am uncomfortable with change, but today I can say that I am enjoying the present and excited for the future!
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