But I don't want to be a PRINCESS!

But I don't want to be a Princess!!

 

 

Have you ever had this happen:  You are searching or struggling with a decision or idea in your life and then you read something or hear something that really hits home and is SUPER RELEVANT to what is happening to you. Then, suddenly, that message is everywhere...it's in the news, in the sermon at your church, on Oprah (does she still have a show?), in your conversations, in your horoscope.  Is it following you?  It is as if you have a stalker.  Your very own subconscious has become your stalker saying, "I've been here all along!  Are you finally listening?".

 

Well, lately I have been thinking a lot about balance and if and how my work/income benefits my family and enriches my life.  Well, you can't get too far into that line of thinking without addressing the 3 P's...PROFESSION, PRIORITIES, and PURPOSE.  And so, here I am on a Tuesday night - this may be too deep for a Tuesday - but here I am. (I have no choice but to go here because I keep running into the P's!)  I think about work - PROFESSION.  I read books about being a good leader and being productive and I get "what's really important to you" and "101 reasons to prioritize"- PRIORITIES.  And as if that isn't enough subconscious stalking...I get the "how will you make your  mark" from my daily devotional - PURPOSE.  Really?  REALLY?  I just can't even begin to answer that.

 

I feel like I did when Jay was getting Baptised.  The Priest asked me and Michael, "What do you want for your child?"  Julie (my sister and God Mother) said this moment was priceless...she could see my mind racing...what do I want for my child?  Health. Happiness.  Love.  Success...the list goes on!  How do you answer THAT question?  Well, if you are Catholic and at your child's Baptism, the correct answer is "Baptism".  They even tell you the answer beforehand (I never forgot that one again).  But that is how I felt this morning when I read about finding my purpose and making my life count.  In a split second, I felt a rush of excitement and anticipation wash over me like a wave.  And then came the worry and fear that sucked out my breath - the under toe.

 

And so here I am.  9:15 on a Tuesday.  my purpose...my Purpose...MY purpose...MY PURPOSE...

 

UGH!  How can I possibly answer this question?  I'm only just realizing this is my question! 

 

And so I will just say what I am sure Wills would have said in this picture had he been old enough to talk...Today I'm really not so sure about my PURPOSE, but I don't want to be a Princess! 

 

I do know, when I ask myself, "Are we there yet?" I can say, "Not yet, but we are closer than we were yesterday!"

 

Today is the greatest!

 

If only we all could have this much enthusiasm!  I LOVE this picture for so many reasons!  Have you ever seen HAPPY?  Well, you have now! 

 

I hate to admit this, but mood can be easily influenced.  If a friend or co-worker is having a bad day...well that makes two of us!  If there is excitement in the air, well, we're all a buzz.  Today, we are inundated with messages not just from friends and family, but also from tv, radio, Internet, and print.  The sad thing is that most of what we are exposed to is negativity!  How on earth can we teach our children to be grateful, joyful, and positive if we cannot model these virtues ourselves?

 

After years of reading, experience, therapy et al., I have found that there is so much joy and wonder in what we often find mundane or tedious.  Maybe it's from my kids...they can find joy and amazement in a balloon or cardboard box.  For me, I try to remember that taking out the trash gives me an opportunity to go outside and get fresh air.  Making the bed isn't much fun, but it makes me feel great when it is done.  Each experience presents us with a choice.  Will it be met with a positive attitude and enthusiasm or negativity and dread?  It is our choice!  I think a lot of people have forgotten that we have a choice...  For me, for now, I am working hard to remind my kids, family, and community that this life is what we make it.  Or maybe it's really my kids reminding ME! 

 

And each and every day, I wonder, "Are we there yet?"...not today, but getting closer!

 

 

 "Excuse me, Sir.  Have you seen my son, Jay?  He is about your height, has your hair color, but does not have eyeglasses or a mustache."

 

I love this picture of Jay!  We were being so silly.  Even at 5 years old, he understands how people can wear masks and change who they are!  We all do that. 

 

As silly as it is, Moms do it, too!  We try so hard to be super mom for our kids, husbands, selves, and friends. 

 

As great as it is to have a little fun and be someone else for a while, I am trying to remember that it is way more important to be me.  Not only is it important to be true to who I am for ME, it is also important to teach my kids to be proud of who they are! 

 

And I hear that little voice in the back of my head, "Are we there yet?"....not yet.  But we are getting there!

So much for my annonymous blog...had my "pen name" all ready and everything.  But then I couldn't post pictures.  And I do have some pretty cute kiddos!  Meet the Baileys.  There is nothing extraordinary about us. We haven't cured anything or invented anything.  No reality show.  We aren't rich.  We don't have a rags to riches story (yet?)  Thankfully we have never gone through a tragedy.  We are pretty much your run of the mill Party of Five. 



We really do have it pretty great!  I am so thankful for all of my wonderful blessings and feel like I have after many years found that "thing" I have been searching for.

For years...hate to admit this but really for decades, I have felt like I have a story to tell.  I really don't know what it is, but I feel compelled to write.  I suppose my first entry should provide you with "the Backstory".  We all have one... I had a happy childhood, wonderful and supportive parents, great education...the works.  I also have a family history of depression.  And as they say, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree!   From time to time, I talked with psychologists or youth group ministers, but I never really had a time where I just couldn't get out of my funk.  I wasn't a "troubled child".  I didn't wear all black.  I didn't keep to myself.  In fact, I was the opposite...a social butterfly.  I was involved in activities, captain of the soccer team, the lead in the school play.  All through school I was very involved.  I was pretty involved in life until February of 2001.  My wonderful and sweet husband (boyfriend at the time) and I had dated for 3 years from summer of 1997 to fall of 2000 when I flipped out and dumped him...not sure why.  I had some ok reasons to be mad at him, but not much else...(Hindsight, it was for the best- we are married now!)  After our split, I tried my hardest to make the absolute worst decisions I could as if my life depended on it.  Luckily, my parents raised me the way they did because my heart wasn't in it!!  I tried, but within a few months I was sitting across from- whom my dad refers to as my "Friend On Payroll" (FOP) - my real deal psychiatrist.  I was a 5'9", 100 lb, blubbering mess.  I didn't even have it in me to rebel.

That day, my FOP listened to me through sobs and snorts...she didn't talk much. Really, she didn't talk at all until the very end. She told me something I'm sure I already knew.  She told me I was dealing with depression.  So there it was...but instead of a remedy or some fast and furious cure, all I got was a diagnosis.  NO QUICK FIX.  What?  I can't leave with a prescription and a sigh of relief?  That was a hard day. I had a bunch of those during that time.  I remember wishing I had never gone to my FOP.  I remember thinking that things weren't so bad before...before I didn't think about the hard stuff.  I didn't have to talk about it...but I did have to live it whether I wanted to or not.  At some point I realized that it would take some time...I remember thinking, "well, I guess it took me 26 years to get this way..."

I have one older sister and she has always been there for me!  After a rough patch or two, we have gotten to be very close.  We actually like spending time together!  She knows me inside and out.  After a typical childhood and adolescence, I guess it was in college and after that I really began to struggle.  She was my go-to girl...no matter what, I could call Jules.  She must have had a play book of pep talks for me that covered everything from the run of the mill blue day to my chicken little day "the sky is falling".  She almost always could make my blues go away...almost always.  I remember shortly before what I call my "break down", Jules told me to get some "trash mags" (tabloids) and take a bath.  "Relax", she said.  But how?  "Happiness is a journey, Sarah.  Not a destination."  Ugh!  I just didn't know how to make the trip!  And so my story began...while I am just now getting this down, I think I have for years been asking "Are We There Yet?" 

I'm hopeful that I am NOT there yet!  Finally, I am at a place in life where I can appreciate all that has been and all that is to come!  I'm certain it will come out at some point that I am uncomfortable with change,  but today I can say that I am enjoying the present and excited for the future!