You say it's your birthday...it's MY birthday, too! YEAH

 

Today is my 38th Birthday!

 

 

I am one of the weirdos out there who LOVES birthdays no matter how old I will be (so far)!  I tell myself that I am getting better with age.  I remember how SUPER EXCITED I always got as my birthday approached.  I would actually feel excited the whole month.  I can still faintly feel the butterflies when I try really hard to remember how the anticipation felt and what it was like to actually be giddy with excitement.  Now, I'm a mom and the birthdays aren't so much about me anymore; they are about my kids. And I really love that!  It is actually MORE exciting to try to make my kids' birthdays as special as my parents made mine for me.  This year, I realized that I may have gone a bit too far...starting last week my kids began the hype.  The birthday countdown, how old will I be, what did I want to do, who would we invite...and on and on.  When I told them that I was taking the day off for my birthday, their eyes lit up!  "Do you want to have your birthday at McWane Center or the Zoo?", they shouted.  I can totally see them envisioning my birthday party at the zoo...balloons, my friends with presents, the birthday cake, tokens for the carousel.  It is really funny to think about it that way...seriously, put yourself in the place of your child at their last birthday party.  I think that's what they had in mind for me!  Sweet things!

 

Well, zoo it was, but before we had the perfect birthday according to the kiddos, I had a few hours on my own this morning.  My usual would have been a mani/pedi or some sort of spa treatment, but it just wasn't in the cards this year, so I kept the sentiment and spent time on me...alone...at home.  And it just so happens that I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reading lately and came across an exercise that I was determined to try.  So here it is:

 

Write down 10 things that you like about your physical appearance.  Write down 10 things that you like about you as a person.  Seems pretty easy, huh?  Well, try it!  WOW!  I can think of 30 things I like about anyone else...but to come up with things about  me.  I felt somehow conceited or that I was committing some major act of hubris.  How did we as women, or people for that matter, get from having a healthy self image to feeling bad about liking ourselves?  I have to say, it took me A LONG TIME to start my lists.  I started with the physical appearance one.  I was stumped.  I mean really...just one of my feet has somewhere around 206 bones, I have two of those, many facial features, 20 fingers and 20 toes, organs, etc. and I can't like 10 things...I can't find a place to start.  Really?  What is wrong with me?  So I said, "Sarah, I know you.  I know it is hard to look at yourself like this.  But, you are going to do it because it is a great way to celebrate 38 years of life...and because I said so!"

 

So here goes...

Physical List:

1.  I like my blue eyes. 

2.  I like my hair.  The color, that I can wear it straight or curly, and that I don't have very many greys yet.

3.  I like that I am tall.

4.  I like that I am thin.  I am SO very fortunate that I was born this way.  I know someday I will have to worry about this, but at this time, I am so very grateful that I have a high metabolism.

5.  I like that I have long legs.

6.  I like that I have long fingers like a pianist.

7.  I like my feet.

8.  I think I am attractive. (That is a hard one to say/type for all the world to see!  Why does it feel so bad to say that I think I am pretty?)

9.  I like my frame. 

10.  I like that after 3 kids I still have an attractive body.

 

Personality List:

1.  I like that I am extremely empathetic.

2.  I like that I am funny. (Please don't tell me if you think I am not)

3.  I am kind.

4.  I am creative.

5.  I am a good writer.  (Again, if your opinion differs...consider it none of my business)

6.  I am a good listener.

7.  I am a good soccer coach to Jay.

8.  I can be a really fun mom.

9.  I am good at being organized.

10.  I am a very hard worker.

 

PHEW!!!!  So there it is, folks!  I have said it.  I like to be me!  Thank God it only took me 38 years to say/type it for all the world to see.  I hope to be a good example for my children from this day on.  I hope that this exercise will make it easier for me to show my kids how to be proud of who I am. I think this is something that everyone should do.  On EVERY birthday!  It's good for you.  It's actually great for you. 

 

And so I say to you...I am NOT there yet.  But after a bunch of wrong turns, I am back on the right road! 

 



The Butterfly Effect

 

 

The Butterfly Effect.  Such a strange concept...and I'm not talking about the sci-fi time travel definition.  I'm talking about the idea that a single, minor choice, experience, or occurrence can alter the outcome of a situation.  In a blink of an eye.  In a flap of a butterfly's wing.  The idea feels a bit like chaos to me.  It's scary to think about life like this.  It's scary to entertain the idea that I have no control.  It's scary because I have kids now. 

 

Years ago, pre-marriage and kids, I would have scoffed at this idea, or maybe accepted it as a challenge.  It might have even seemed thrilling to me.  But today, as I drove my three precious, amazing, and innocent children home from a family gathering over 500 miles away, I passed what was certainly a fatal car accident.  It was so scary.  It had just happened.  It could have been us!  BLINK.  FLAP.  I had decided to stop to eat.  I almost went through the drive thru...we were all SO ready to get home.  Instead, I stopped.  I returned discarded socks to their proper feet, and united left shoes with left feet and right shoes with right feet.  After I restocked my bag with items for quite possibly any case scenario, I scooped up Wills, and directed Parker and Jay to exit the vehicle and hold hands.  Looking back, we probably looked like a pre-school chain gang walking through the parking lot.  Parking lots can be dangerous... Inside, I let them dawdle.  We ate.  We went to the bathroom.  We got extra napkins.  We got refills.  We went back to the bathroom.  "It's been a long drive", I thought to myself. 

 

Back on the road, I'm not sure I even had time to set the cruise control before the cars in front and around me were slamming on breaks and the flashing lights were suddenly everywhere.  I saw several vacant cars that had minor damage. Then I saw tons of debris.  Then I saw the stretchers...and then I saw the car.  It looked like a crumpled up piece of paper.  I gasped to catch my breath and then immediately began to pray for the people involved and for the men and women that were responding to the accident.  I prayed for their families.  I prayed for my family.  As I continued on, I saw more Emergency Vehicles racing to the scene.  In a BLINK of an eye.  In a FLAP of a butterfly's wing.  Lives were changed forever.

 

I remember thinking, "All I want is to be Home." 

 

Is there any way to make sense of this?  I am a religious person.  I believe in God.  I believe that "things happen for a reason".  But I also believe that some things happen for no good reason...they just do!  Do I think God made it happen...NO.  But I do believe He is here for us...Rain or shine.  Good or Bad.  He is in our presence just waiting for us to call on Him.  Maybe it's just human nature that we only reach out when we are in need.  I guess that makes us fair weather followers... But for today, and hopefully going forward, I will be remember to embrace the present because life can change in a BLINK.

And while today we made it home safe and sound...Are we there yet?  I hope not!

The longest minute EVER!

The longest minute EVER!!

 

Another one of my favorite pictures EVER...I have this photo on my refrigerator.  It is amazing to me that one split second can tell so many stories.  The first story begins at 11:32 AM on August 8, 2011 when our sweet Wills entered this world.  When we went to the hospital that morning, we thought because this was the third time around we pretty much could handle it on our own...except, of course, for the whole epidural thing.  Don't hate me, but my first two deliveries took me about an hour and 5 pushes total...for both!  So you can imagine I felt like number three would be a breeze.

And it was a breeze...in fact, my doctor almost missed it!   My mom almost missed it!  In hindsight, I wish my mom had...instead, she walked off the elevator and towards our room as a rush of nurses passed her responding to the subtle alarm sounding from the nurses station.  I remember seeing her panicked face as she watched them enter MY room.  Suddenly MY room was filled with nurses and noise.  It happened so fast.  In just one minute.  In an instant, I gave birth to my sweet baby William.  He took a long, wonderful, loud gasp...and then....NOTHING!

The longest minute EVER..in that single minute I experienced joy, fear, confusion, disbelief, panic, disbelief, confusion....WHAT IS HAPPENING?  What are all these people doing in here?  My doctor says he looks good.  She says he just didn't transition well.  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?  Why can't I hold him?  Why can't I see him?  Why can't I hear him?  What is going on?  Who are all these people?  My vision narrows to a small, dark tunnel...it is hard to catch my breath.  I feel numb....   

11:33 AM:  I heard the most glorious screech from my sweet baby Wills!  At last, I catch my breath!  My vision clears.  My heart is pounding.  My mind is reeling.  My tears stream down my cheeks.  After a minute that felt like a lifetime, I could finally hold my William!  And in an instant, the longest minute EVER had passed...And click...a picture's worth a thousand words...

After things calmed down, we learned that Wills may have skipped a few important steps in his fast and furious entrance into this world...most importantly the one where the contractions clear his airway.  After all was said and done, Wills would be ok but to be sure he needed a quick 4 hour stay in the NICU for observation. 

I know that my doctor explained things to me at the time, but I can't say that I was able to absorb much.  It was later, although I can't say how much later, that my sweet nurse - the original one (before all of the drama) came to check on me and I really found out what went down.  Mine was a routine induction and delivery.  I have babies fast, but they knew that.  This was the third time around.  But this time, "he didn't transition well".  It turns out they "coded him"...Code Red. Code Blue..hell, I don't know the color, but I know it means he wasn't OK!  He was in trouble!  He wasn't breathing!  But he is now!!!  Thank GOD!

So how does this one picture/story tell so many stories?  Well, this picture tells the story of the longest minute ever, but it also tells many more! 

To my daughter, Parker, who always asks me if I am sad in that picture, I say no!  This is a story of happy tears.  This is a picture of the moment that I got to hold our sweet Wills for the first time!  I have happy tears.  This is the story of JOY! 

When I look at that picture and think of Michael, I remember feeling like I couldn't go through this with anyone else...He said the right thing.  He held my hand.  He gave me strength and comfort.  He told me we would be ok!  This is the story of LOVE and SUPPORT!

When I look at this picture, I think of my mom.  I realize that as MY mom, she experienced all of the feelings that I experienced for Wills, while at the same time worrying for me.  At that time she didn't know who was in trouble. We both experienced the fear of losing our baby in that long minute.  After such a close encounter, we erupted with RELIEF! 

I guess I could really go on and on.  But the most important story that this picture tells is one of BLESSINGS!  As I checked into that hospital, I took for granted that I would deliver and leave with a healthy child in 3 days or less.  I am so BLESSED that I did! 

Each day I try to count each blessing rather than count on them.  I strive to be deserving of them instead of feeling as though I deserve them.  And that, my friends, is why I keep this photo on my refrigerator!  And for each of you, I hope you count each blessing and strive to be deserving of them.  I hope that you have a photo to hang on your frig that will tell you stories of JOY, LOVE, SUPPORT, RELIEF and most of all BLESSINGS.

Today, I may be on the right path...but if you ask me, "Are we there yet?"...I'll have to say, "not just yet".