Boys and Bullies

Boys and Bullies:

Life Lessons From My Seven Year Old Son

The last 24 hours have put the Bailey parenting skills to the test...while the toys, gadgets, and cartoons have changed dramatically from my childhood, the challenges our children have faced seem an awful lot alike.  Of course there are tons of new and different technologies for kids to navigate as our Atari and Nintendo did not connect to anything other than a tube television, and if someone mentioned a World Wide Web I'm sure it would conjure up visions of giant spiders taking over the world....I'm guessing something similar to those seen in Arachnophobia (although I wouldn't know because I hate spiders and never saw the movie).  But by and large, our children are facing situations that we faced as kids.  Up until now, we have only dealt with minor infractions, after all, my oldest is only 7, but I am not naive enough to think they will not deal with situations that involve underage drinking, drugs or sex...(oh please don't let it be drugs or sex!!).  But today we caught our first glimpse of what is to come.  That's what is funny about life, just when you think that you have got IT figured out, whether IT is a new job, school, or in our case, parenting, IT turns into something else.  And for us, IT was a bully we will call Jack.

This week is a big week for me because I have started working part time at our shop so I can have time to write and grow my coaching practice.  YAY!  So, at the end of an exciting day and then dinner with dear friends, we made it home with enough time to chat about the day before tucking everyone in bed.  While Jay was settling in, he lifted his shirt and showed me his chest and a spot that looked like a bruise just under his sternum.  He had been at baseball camp so I didn't think much about it because he gets beat up all the time in sports and after nearly a year of overprotection I finally got a grip.  He told me that it hurt and this kid Jack punched him in the back, in the chest, and spit on him in line at camp today....wait, what did he just say?  At that split second, my world was rocked.  In one second, Jay went from the little guy I was tucking in to bed, to a kid who is coming to his parent for comfort, help, guidance, and direction.  Wow, I sure didn't see that coming!  Of course I immediately begin thinking that our future is riding on how this conversation goes.  Will he feel safe coming to us when the times are tough.  Will he trust us with the BIG stuff? But no pressure.
After a deep breath, I just went with it... I tried to make my voice sound like it always does because I didn't want to make a big deal of it.  But this could be his last time coming to me if he felt like I was blowing it off as not a big deal...man, I was not ready for this.  So I asked him what he did and if he told anyone about it.  I asked him if he hit him back.  He told me he ignored him but Jack kept doing it.  Oh I hugged him as tight as I could and told him how proud I am of him, and then asked him if he thought he would see him the next day.  Unfortunately, Jack was in his group for the week, so I told him to go up to the coach the next day and say, "Hey Coach, this guy Jack just won't keep his hands off me!".  There!  I did it!  Mom came in and saved the day.  I gave him words that sounded tough not like a wimp and that'll fix it!  We hugged again.  I gave my sweet boy a kiss and told him that I love him and goodnight.  

Woohoo!  I can almost see myself strutting down the hallway back to our room to share my parenting triumph with Michael.  It felt good.  I couldn't wait to tell him how he practiced talking to the coach in his tough voice...hey, I may even get a high-five on this one.

So, Michael's reaction did not go exactly the way I imagined it would.  Evidently there is a guy code that says you don't tell on a bully, you punch him in the nose.  Michael explained to me what he thought and what he was going to say to Jay and why, and with that (and all my friends of FB who encouraged me and rooted for Jay) we went to bed.

This morning Michael and Jay had a long talk (maybe it was short, all this guy stuff is new to me); whatever it was, it was their first Man-to-Man. Michael explained to Jay that he is never, ever to start a fight, but if he is being bullied he can and should defend himself.  We will not be mad but he also has to realize that there may be consequences if it happens at school or camp, etc.  Michael showed him how to make a fist and told him to punch him in the nose.  I would have liked him to add run away, but I was good with the overall message.  I asked Jay what he was going to do if Jack hit him or spit on him again and he made his little fist and motioned like he was punching himself in the nose.  (Deep breaths...No tears, Sarah...keep it together!). I asked him how he felt about it and he told me he was going to try to ignore him because that is what Jesus would do...and that was that.  He grinned and off he went. 

I watched the clock most of the morning wondering how things were going.  The minutes ticked by, but I took comfort in the fact that I hadn't gotten a call to pick Jay up, or worse meet him at the hospital.  I went back over all of the scenarios we had discussed.  I felt better knowing that he we had given him several options for dealing with Jack the Bully.  Surely, it was going to be alright...would Jay punch him?  If he did, would he cry?  Would he be crying because he did something he didn't want to do? Would he cry because it hurt...did Michael tell him it would hurt?

Michael texted me earlier that he would pick Jay up...we both wanted to see what this Jack kid looked like, but I figured Michael could probably keep his cool more than me, and the last thing I wanted to do was embarrass Jay or give Jack more reason to bully.  I heard Michael's car pull up and the doors open and shut...

Michael came in first and I said, "WELL???".  

"Well what?".  Typical male!  He finally told me that Jay said nothing happened and everything was fine.

A minute later Jay came strolling in.  His face and swagger told me he was enjoying keeping me in suspense.  Two can play that game, Buster!  After commenting on how dirty he was and asking what he did at camp he caved and with his head tilted and that look on his face he said"....well, aren't you going to ask me something?  Something about a kid...at camp?"

"Oh, right...who is it?  John, Joe, no Jack.  That's it. Jack."  Because I could tell whatever the 
 turnout was, it was positive, I indulged my self a bit.  "So how did it go today, Jay?"  And through his crazy cute grin he told me how he walked right up it Jack and he said, "Look, can we be friends?  And BAM that was it!".

And BAM that is it!  That was our first lesson in this new phase of parenting.  The best part of this is that Jay realized that he has choices.  What I find most remarkable is that he didn't rely on advice he wasn't comfortable with, instead, he kept thinking until he came up with a solution that he was happy with.
I really hope all of our lessons in parenting aren't this hard.  But if they are, I'm just glad that we have three great kids and tons of great friends to figure it out together. 

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