Lost in My Perfect Little Life

How did I get here? Better yet...I'm a problem solver...how do I get back.  Can I even get back? The place I was when I knew where I was is in the past and that place is GONE.  There is no way to get there again. So how do I know here is where I want to go... or if there is a way to get there because the place I want to be doesn't exist yet. Or maybe it does...it's the present.  But here I'm lost and I'm not the person I dreamed I'd be or even want to be right now for that matter...

So here I am ...stuck in my own head and lost in my perfect little life.

Full disclosure, I have a great life.  Happy childhood.  Good family. I have a loving husband who puts up with my flaws almost flawlessly - he is human, after all. I have 4 amazing, funny, kind hearted, and adorable kids. So, yeah, my life seems like a dream or fairy tale.  But before you decide to hate me or stop reading, there is something you should know...feeling lost doesn't just happen to sad people or poor people. Depression and anxiety isn't just for people who have unfortunate life circumstances. People you would never suspect wake up every day lost in a perfect life like mine.

It's September now, and I'm starting to feel more normal.  My kids are all back in school and we are getting back into a routine. I'm way better with a routine. I'm getting my energy and sanity back that was lost to constant refereeing, never-ending piles of dirty laundry, non-existent bed times and the grouchy mornings that those nights melt into. So with my glimpse of law and order, I got overzealous and agreed to be the 3rd grade room mom. I should have known better.  I have solid intel that this is NOT the job for me...that is since I single-handedly ruined Halloween for about ten 2 year olds in 2013.  But I said yes anyway.  Funny how it seems just like yesterday. Funny how one extra yes can send you  in a downward spiral. Funny how that one extra yes can upset the delicate balance that is life and that one split second can take months or even years to crawl and claw back from...

I remember it like it was yesterday.  There I was dropping Wills off at school. The big kids, or "bigs" as we call them, were delivered to their school on time and in uniform, my "to do" list was progressively getting smaller, there was a pep in my step...and then it happened.

I walked into Wills' classroom and they all turned, saw me, and bumbled to change the subject. I immediately got that feeling.  Major adrenaline rush, pins and needles, heart racing, face flushing. What happened?  What did I do?...Shit, I can't remember.  So walk in and put the backpack and lunch bag in cubbies, hang jackets on hooks and Wills runs to his friends.  And then I see it...the EMPTY sign up sheet for the Halloween party that is happening in ONE HOUR. That was the sheet I was supposed to email to all of the parents so they could sign up for snacks and prizes. Oh and it also reminded them to wear/bring a costume.

So there I was.  I knew it. They knew it. Wills didn't- yet, but he would find out some day. He'd know that I ruined his party for his WHOLE CLASS.  I RUINED HALLOWEEN.

Truth be told, that was one of the best "bad moments" in my life. At the time, I was working a full time job as a partner in our family retail shop. I was married with 3 kids. I coached soccer. I was the Treasurer of the PTA. And I participated in several other volunteer organizations all while I was going to school to get certified as a professional life coach. At that one, very sucky moment, when I felt about as big as an ant, I realized I was lost again.  I was back to that place I had been before, only this time instead of being 26 and lost in my life with no idea of who I was or what I wanted, I was lost in a life I DID WANT. I chose this...ALL OF IT.  I wanted to be married with kids and involved in their lives. I wanted to be physically active and loved helping kids learn the game of soccer. I loved raising money for my kids' school and other charities I believe in. I loved the moms I helped at our boutique baby shop. I loved life coaching.  I loved all of it. But not all together and not all at once.

At that moment, I had to face the music. I ruined Halloween. I had to face the teacher, those parents, those sweet innocent kiddos.  The funny thing is, they were two. They no more knew it was Halloween than the 4th of July, or any other day of the year. And maybe I'm making this up for dramatic effect, but I think I remember some kids WERE wearing costumes - just because it seemed like a fireman sort of day.  And as for the prizes and candy and games...some sweet, over-achiever mom (although I probably didn't like her all that much that day) brought more than enough crap for all the kids at the school and then some. So thank you mystery mom! And then, I realized it was time. I walked down to the director's office and resigned as head room mom of the younger 2K class 2013-2014. I knew it had to be done along with some other tough choices I had ahead of me. 

You see, when you're lost, you have to ask yourself a few questions. Where exactly is it that you want to go and is this the road that is going to get me there? 

So why exactly did I say yes again? Well, that's a good question. Of course, I'm hoping for a drastically different outcome this time. Maybe I'm a little more organized or have less on my  plate.  Maybe I've taken another wrong turn, but when I picture my destination...there are sometimes when I think it's important to try things again. Is this one of them? Who knows just yet.  Maybe I just want a different room mom memory or maybe I'm just taking one for the team to give the other weary room parents a break.  Either way, we'll find out soon enough...